My Year of Living Mindfully - Day 157
N.B. This was written on the 4th November 2020.
I’m 157 days into my Year of Living Mindfully, as inspired by Shannon Harvey’s documentary by the same name. I have committed to 365 days of daily meditation, and so far I have found it to be an interesting journey. I have of course been practising meditation through yoga, informal mindfulness practices (ACT) and formal seated meditation for a long time now. I have been on two silent weekend retreats at Jhana Grove in previous years, and also several yoga retreats. I am not a beginner by any means, and yet I have found the daily practice to feel very much like being a beginner.
To start off with, there was the daily commitment. I have been proud to have maintained this through two bouts of illness, through tiredness (exhaustion!), and through evening social engagements and people staying over. I have simply decided to make it happen. I know this sounds straight forward, but I am mindful that in the past the commitment has not been there. Perhaps it was the prioritising. Or bigger than that, a realisation that this needs to be maintained, just like exercise, eating healthy foods and maintaining other self-care practices. Shannon’s documentary really tied together the evidence-base for the role of mindfulness meditation in establishing/maintaining psychological wellbeing. This has been my motivation; I believe this to be true.
Secondly, I have experimented with different ways of practising meditation. To begin with I stuck with Tara Brach guided meditations on the Insight Timer app. These varied in length from 5mins to 19mins. As time went on, I also allowed sleep meditation to be the practice if needed, seeing this as a way of practising concentration and attention, even though it has the aim of sleep. I have also practised self-guided breathing meditation in bed, prior to sleep. While these briefer meditations were important, I think they were also too short for me to really develop my skills. That is, they played a significant role in establishing the daily practice; allowing myself the flexibility to choose a length and practice based on my daily needs made it easier to commit to daily practice. Also, starting with Tara Brach helped me to feel motivated to practice as I enjoy her practices so much. I looked forward to listening to Tara’s compassionate guidance. However, I have recently (slowly) come to the realisation that the brief meditations have not really allowed me the space to practice stillness. As Shannon said at the South West Wellness Symposium (31/10/20), it takes 20mins (or more!) for the mind to settle into the practice of meditation. I have seen this in my own practice, the mind engages in a dance which begins as a salsa, and gradually slows to a waltz. But in my practice up until the end of October (153 days of daily meditation), I had not attained the stillness that I know is possible.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not meditating to achieve stillness. It is not the end goal. However, I am meditating to develop my skills in concentration, flexible attention, and to refine my relationship with my thoughts and feelings to one in which I see my internal experiences as a small part, but not the defining part, of my life. If I only ever practice to 19mins, then I can’t ever know what my mind is like beyond that length of sitting. Of doing nothing. So, since Sunday 1st November 2020 (day 154), I have committed to 45mins daily practices of formal meditation.
I have been using John Kabat Zinn’s MBSR guided 45mins sitting meditation track on the JKZ Series1 app for all but one day. I listened to this on the first day of the 45min practice, and then decided to try unguided meditation the next day. Interestingly, the unguided meditation was very difficult. I noticed a struggle with my mind for the entire length of the meditation. I checked the time about four times. I felt bored and a strong urge to skip the sitting. This reminded me of my relatively beginner stage of engaging in meditation. While I have been maintaining the daily practice, the increased length of sitting is certainly a game changer in my meditation experience. So following this practice, I listened to JKZ’s sitting meditation track again, and this was much easier for maintaining focus. I too need a Teacher to help me to notice the wandering mind and to maintain my anchor point.
So, four days into 45min formal meditation practice (1st November 2020 marks the day I started this new commitment). What have I noticed? That meditation takes effort. Not a forceful effort, but a wise effort. It takes a clear intention to notice the mind’s processes and to not become frustrated by them. To recognise that the mind is designed to wander. To bring a gentle awareness to noticing the mind’s wanderings, and to bring that same gentleness to guiding it back to my anchor point. This is the practice of meditation. And it is a practice.
And no, this is not new to me..... I have “known” this before, and I will “know” it again. That changing state of knowing is part of the meditation experience. Perhaps it is even what mindful living really is.