Riding the Waves of Mother Guilt - Silent Retreat 2021

Where should I start?

I have been meditating on and off in various forms since I was 18 (20 years!) but it has only been a clear, heart-felt intention to maintain a daily practice since the 1st June 2020. Inspired by Shannon Harvey’s documentary “My Year of Living Mindfully”, I re-committed to the practice, and more specifically, my own goal of meditating daily, for 365 days. I have reflected on my earlier experience of this commitment in another blog (you can read it HERE).

I was honoured to be on the “Living Mindfully” panel at the 2020 South West Wellness Symposium, alongside keynote speaker, Shannon Harvey. It was at this event that Shannon spoke of her own experience of a 10 day silent meditation retreat as part of her own Year of Living Mindfully. It really resonated with me, and I noticed a strong desire to undertake this experience myself.

Now, as a Mother of two young children (beautiful daughters aged 5.5 and 7.5), this was no small feat. A silent meditation retreat means no communication with the outside world for the duration of the retreat. 

No FaceTime, no phone calls, no texting. 

Additionally, it had been a dream to go on  retreat with Ajahn Brahm, the Abbott of the Buddhist Society of WA, for several years. I had not pursued this dream because of Mother Guilt. But also, to add to the layer of guilt, Ajahn Brahm’s retreats are usually held over Easter and Christmas. 

Hello Mother Guilt . . .

“I can’t leave my young children and have no contact with them for 9 days!” 

“A Mother, not being home at Easter and Christmas!? What kind of Mother would do that?”

“A “Good Mother” wouldn’t….”

It seemed like an impossible, unreachable dream. However, following the South West Wellness Symposium (which my husband, Mark, watched via video link), this dream became real. Mark has always encouraged me to pursue my dreams, and he has supported me to do so. It was thanks to him that my dream became a clear, specific intention that I was able to follow through on. 

So, I rode the waves of Mother Guilt that kept arising, and booked in. 

I rode the waves of Mother Guilt when I observed the shock of others, particularly other Mums, that I would leave my children for 9 days.

I rode the waves of Mother Guilt when I observed the shock of others, again - particularly other Mums, that I would go on a retreat (and leave my children) at Easter.

I rode the waves of Mother Guilt when my children expressed sadness that I wouldn’t be home for Easter. (As an aside, once they realised the Easter Bunny would still visit while I was away they were more accepting of the idea 😆 ).

See, the thing is, Mother Guilt is triggered easily by any thoughts that I am not a “good enough” Mother. It’s a deep-seated  fear that we have which develops within a desire to be the best we can be for our children, within a social context that empathises self-sacrificing. Mothers are expected to put their own lives on hold, and to put their children’s needs first. ALL. THE. TIME. 

In my perinatal work, this theme of guilt is often coupled with a loss of identity. My clients talk about not knowing who they are anymore, as they transition into Motherhood. Others talk about not knowing who they are anymore, when their children enter full-time school. For others, it is when their teenagers are entering adulthood and seeking their independence in the world. Mothers lose their sense of Self when they sacrifice their own needs, interests, hobbies, and dreams in the service of being a “Good Mother”. 

This self-sacrificing can only be understood in the context of societal (and historical) messages about what being a “Good Mother” is. We are surrounded by messages that promote self-sacrifice and prioritising the needs of our children. But this doesn’t mean it is how it has to be.

My colleague, Dr Lisa Harris (LMH Psychology) recently posted on social media “Not me first…… me too”. She made the point that there is a perception that either the Mother’s needs, or the child’s needs, should come first. However, as Lisa says, in reality, our role is to teach children that “they are worthy and valued - JUST LIKE anyone else”, and this requires a fluid management of everyone’s needs in the family. A fixed prioritisation of one person’s needs over another’s only creates a perception that one person’s needs are more important than another’s. And that is not healthy for anyone involved.

So, as I write this, I can hear the Mother Guilt whispering in the background, “But you didn’t need to go on the retreat, you just wanted to”.

I notice the thought, “hello Mother Guilt”.

I notice my jaw slightly locking with tension, “here is fear”.

I take a breath and feel my feet on the floor, my bottom on the chair, the movement of my arms/hands/fingers as I type this mindfulness practice out for you to read.

I bring compassion to my experience, “Taking care of my children is important to me. I feel afraid sometimes that I am not getting it right. I am doing the best I can with what I know. I know that taking care of myself is just as important as taking care of my children. I matter too”. 

Then I bring my attention back to doing what matters in this moment; being human, teaching my children how to take care of themselves AND to take care of others. Teaching my children that loving connection means that we can be together and be apart, and that we can hold each other in mind as we live wholeheartedly. 

And that is EXACTLY how I responded to the waves of Mother Guilt in the lead up to, and the early days of, the retreat. The combination of mindfulness and self-compassion helped me to accept the presence of Mother Guilt without becoming caught up in it, and without it becoming the Director of my behaviour. By observing it as a witness, I could then check in with my values around relationship (with myself and my children and my husband), and use those values to guide my decisions around committing to retreat, registering, and following through on attending the retreat. 

Dream accomplished!